Friendships teach our kids so much and its value is something our children will draw on throughout their lives. Are you giving your kids the skills they need to build happy, healthy friendships?
First published at Kidspot.com.au on July 1, 2017.
When I was a kid, my best friend, Amber, and I lived around the corner from each other. We spent every spare moment we had together making cubbies in our back yards, riding our bikes, roller skating, sleeping over at each other’s houses and spending endless hours on the monkey bars at our local park.
I adored Amber then – and I still do. She was my first best friend and many of my happiest childhood memories revolve around the adventures we shared growing up.
Kidspot spoke to Clinical Psychologist Dr Veronica Harris from The Child and Family Counselling Clinic in Sydney, about why childhood friendships are so imperative and how we, as parents, can raise our own kids to be better friends not just for childhood, but for life.
Importance of childhood friendships
Friendships provide children an essential sense of connection with others, which is crucial to their emotional and psychological wellbeing and development, says Dr Harris. “Friendships help to develop social skills and social confidence, they build self-esteem and a child’s sense of who they are,” she says.
The friendships our kids share will change in nature as they develop and grow. “At young ages, to about three years old, children ‘parallel play’ and, as they enter the preschool years and school, they develop reciprocity in play – the ability to take turns, to share, to be flexible,” she says.
“In teenage years, friendships take on a more powerful role as they provide the opportunity for young people to figure out who they are and how they fit into the world.”
BFFs in training …
Dr Harris says that’s in their childhood friendships that kids first learn how to be a friend. “In friendships we learn to accommodate others, to be flexible, to let go of grudges, to act kindly, to feel empathy. We learn to both offer and receive support, to find the balance between wanting things our way and compromising,” she says.
“We learn to experience the world not just from our own point of view, but from another person’s perspective.”
Just as important is choosing the right kind of friend. “Learning to spot a good friend and choosing people who will treat us kindly are also important skills for kids to develop,” she says.
“There are many different types of friendships – friendships formed around a shared sport or interest, school friendships formed in travelling to and from school together … different types of friendships offer different degrees of closeness and support.”
A good friendship, says Dr Harris, is one where kids share not just an interest, but acceptance, support and comfort. “A ‘good friendship’, is one in which each person can be themselves and feel authentic, in which we feel comfortable with the other person, and know we can rely on them when we need support and a pick-me-up as well as when we’re having fun,” Dr Harris says.
“Keeping the other person in mind is key to any good friendship – making kind choices and cutting the other person some slack, turn-taking in play when we’re little and in conversation when we’re older, and in offering and receiving support.”
A friend too few, or too many?
All children are different – while one may be satisfied with just one or two close friends, other ‘social butterflies’ will easily collect and keep friends throughout childhood. “Friendship styles reflect our personality in part and have some long-term consistency to them,” says Dr Harris.
“While there’s no better or worse way to be friends, children with fewer friends are more vulnerable when their friend is sick and not at school, or if they fall out with them. They can also be more dependent on the special friend they have and find it harder to branch out to make other friendships.
“Children with more friends have more support around them and are less rocked when someone is away or a friendship falls out, although they may miss out on the depth of friendship in having one or two special, close friends.”
Conflict and friendship endings
When things go awry in young friendships, as they inevitably do, as difficult as it can be to watch from the sidelines, Dr Harris says it’s an essential experience for kids to learn how to deal with conflict.
“Friendships changing or ending is part of learning how to get on with people, and ultimately prepare our kids for adult intimate relationships, with all the challenges they bring,” she says.
“Dealing with losing or falling out with a friend is a really important skill and one which can only be learnt first hand. It may help to reassure ourselves that friendship difficulties build resilience – the capacity to bounce back from adversity – which grows in part from experiencing and overcoming hardship.”
How to ensure your child becomes a ‘good friend’
How secure and happy your child is in their relationship with you as their parent is a big influence on how they will manage friendships throughout their lives. Being there for your child, spending time with them, having fun and being emotionally available will provide them with some essential tools in navigating the exciting but often confusing world of social relationships.
Here, Dr Harris shares some suggestions for parents to support their kids during this important stage of social development:
- Listen to your child’s feelings – support them as they work through the ups and downs of friendships
- Guide them in problem solving difficulties
- Role model friendship with your own, adult friendships – it’s important for children to see friendship in action.
- Help them to make good choices in how they treat other people and to reflect on the choices they make – help them to think about how their actions impact on others – be kind, treat other people the way they’d like to be treated.
- Sit down with your child and watch age-appropriate movies with strong friendship themes, such as the newly released Smurfs: The Lost Village. Afterwards, discuss the important role friendship plays in their adventure. For example, talk about how Smurfette and her three best friends – Clumsy Smurf, Hefty Smurf and Brainy Smurf – come to accept the all-girl Smurfs in Smurf Grove, despite their differences, and identify the ways in which Smurfette proves herself to be a ‘good friend’.
- Support them in letting go of grudges / not hanging onto hurts / forgiving when things go wrong. We all make mistakes.
- Support them in thinking about their own mistakes in friendships and what they can do differently next time.
- Help them to listen to their feelings and intuition. If they don’t like a particular person – they don’t need to be friends with them. It is still important of course, to be kind and treat people well – not just our friends.
- Notice how different friends influence your child and how they behave and feel about themselves and support the friendships which are ‘good’ for your child.
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